Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The MF Swine Flu

First SARS, then the bird flu...now, we've got the mf swine flu to avoid. Right as summer approaches, too. Ain't that some shyt?

What this really boils down to is...do you wash your hands or not? The nasty azz non-handwashers are generally the first ones touchin' shyt, tapping you on the shoulder, or shaking hands. FYI: I've banned all handshakes, anyway. You either get a chest bump or a quick head nod. If that's not enough,...fukubytch.

I struggle to understand how people choose NOT to wash their hands. Just ugh! This nasty shyt runs rampant at my workplace. I can't tell you how many meetings I've been a part of where these triflin' mfs reach out and grab a slice of pizza, touching more than one slice just to get the one they want.

This place is full of "UGH Moments." Please read and adhere to the following rules.
  • If your throat hurts, you have chills, or you have a fever, stay the fukk home. Don't ask, "Does my head feel hot?" If it feels hot to you, then it's hot. Stay the fukk home.

  • Don't come to work sick and then start complaining that you're sick. That what sick leave is for. Use it. Go in the hole if you have to. Just don't infect those of us who aren't sick.

  • Don’t ask for my food, even after I’ve already started eating it, and try to offer up your own half eaten food in exchange, that’s how germs are exchanged. And yes, folks do that here. Just ugh.

  • Don't touch anything in the bathroom (the sink, toilet, knobs, handles, etc.) and then come out and touch me, food, my chair, my keyboard, etc. That's an azz whippin'.
Why does it take an outbreak of the swine flu to get mfs into being clean?? There's soap, water, hand sanitizer, and all kinds of shyt. Just know that I mean it with all honesty and sincerity when I say...


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

2008: In MF Review

Finally back after the long azz holiday break. Now, back to my regularly scheduled programming...

2008 was a rough azz year. Some years are so rough, that you just need to bury them. The worse the year, the deeper the hole. 2008 needs to be buried so far down that you reach China. As a matter of fact, 2008 should be GIVEN to China in return for all those fukked up products they give us.

With so many targets, it was hard for me to decide on which four to focus. But I managed to do it. So, here's my personal list of the shyt in 2008 I could have done without.

McCain/Palin - No surprise here. These two global fukk ups topped everyone's 2008 shyt list. Family drama, straight up lies, undercover racism,...you name it, they did it. But what I despise most about the entire McCain/Palin campaign....that damn word.


Ugh!! It's the type of word that makes you wanna cut yourself. Every time someone said it, you just wanted to slap a child. MAVERICK. It's the reason I drink now. The word should be outlawed across the country. Obama should see to this. Even the NBA should have to rename the Dallas Mavericks.

Dallas Cowboys - Speaking of Dallas, no one sports franchise stayed in the news more...for all the WRONG reasons. If it wasn't T.O. and his diva-like attitude, it was Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson. Then it was Pacman Jones and his never-ending bouts with law enforcement. Who outside of Dallas gives a fukk? With an owner that spent more time ON the field than Roy Williams, they seem to grab more headlines than the teams that actually won. And who the fukk deemed them "America's Team," anyway?

T-Pain - Yeah, T-Pain made the list. Not because he's not talented. He's extremely talented. But because, I couldn't go ANYWHERE or do ANYTHING without hearing this mfs voice on a song. This mf went into media overload. Radio, tv, videos, downloads, make it stop!! What puts him on the list is the previously mentioned things and the simple fact that um....what he's doing is being packaged and marketed as ORIGINAL. Get the FUKK outta here.

You mean to tell me NOBODY gon' tell this mf that just over a decade ago, Teddy Riley did that vocoder/auto-tune shyt he does now. And Roger Troutman before Teddy. My mother still brings up shyt I did as a child. Really, America?! Your memory's THAT mf short?

Reality TV - Where do I start with this shyt? Wifeswap, Momma's Boy, and The Bachelor. This is what tv has become? Hell's Kitchen, Dancing with the Stars, and the Keyshia Cole Show? And folks are HOOKED on this bullshyt. Whose reality is this?

Mfs yellin' at you while you cook, one dude in a house full of random willing chicks, and finally, Frankie and Nefeteria (really?! just like cafeteria) shakin' their azzes and arguing every mf chance they get. Wake up mfs. This ain't reality of any kind. The winners are picked before-hand, and the day-to-day happenings are staged and edited. I'd rather watch a show with real actors. At least THAT's real.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Let Them Rejoice...

Wassup, America.

I needed a lil' time off for a minute.

But I'm back.

And what perfect timing!!

As gloomy as this country seemed over the past eight years, Barack Obama's impressive victory last night says a lot about America and it's new direction.

People decided to stand up and be heard. They turned out in unprecedented numbers, and refused to allow broken machines, long lines, and countless other possible setbacks to deter them from changing their country's future.

Win or lose, how can one be bothered by that? Especially given the cruel history of these United States.

Republicans wanted us to be afraid of "change" and all that's "new." "Don't trust him...he's a terrorist," they said. "Just look at his middle name, Hussein." America listened, and chose the change that the GOP warned them against.

I'm still in shock at the outcome of this entire process. How, with everything thrown at him, (labels, threats, racism, etc.) Barack Obama, along with the assistance of millions of supporters rose above the petty BS and took his rightful place as POTUS (President of the United States). Last night's victory finally stamps an expiration date on the "Bush years" and places a fresh, new outlook on the horizon.

A white person asked me this morning, how come Black folks are claiming this as a "personal victory." Rather than get upset, I thought about it, and then explained to him...

...Don't you see...we finally MATTER. We EXIST. The majority of us never thought we would live to see this day. This shows that NOTHING is impossible. Our children will grow up knowing that we TOO can be anything we aspire to be. The history books have been re-written. Oh, and suddenly...I can't WAIT until Black History Month. What?!!

Let's not forget that just a short 43 years ago, Blacks were barely able to vote in this country. People were beaten and even gave their lives to right this wrong.

So, my dear white folks, as this election serves as a powerful moment in history for us all...you'll forgive black folks if they seem to celebrate a little bit harder...scream a little bit louder....and cry just a little bit more. Even though, this IS a victory for ALL Americans, its point resonates a little bit deeper with my folks.

So feel free to get YOUR party on. But don't be alarmed by my people's ebullience these past few hours. It's been a LONG, LONG TIME coming. So...


Friday, August 29, 2008

Change the MF World

History occurred last night.

It's finally official.

Obama is finally the democratic nominee for commander-in-chief!

It was a celebration for many black men and women who figured they would NEVER live to see a day where a black man could be on the verge of becoming president.

What really pleased me about last night were all the different nationalities in unison. There was even a group of bearded white guys holding up a sign that read, "Rednecks for Obama." I kept waiting for everything to be interrupted and for someone to say..."OK, that's it. This whole campaign was all a joke." I just couldnt' believe it was happening.

45 years ago....it was King who did it. I wasn't there....but I'm here for this. And it was the most powerful thing I've ever experienced.

I'll man up and admit...at one moment, I felt a tear or two build up. Oh shyt...gotta think about football and beer. (Works every mf time.) Then you go over to someone else and say, "WTF you crying for?!"

There were tears everywhere. Tears of joy, tears of pride, and tears of hope for a better future.

There's just one problem, though.

Obama got me feelin' all patriotic and shyt. I'm feelin' like runnin' out and changin' the WORLD.

I'm ready to do some volunteer work, start building homes, and signing up unregistered voters. But after 2 weeks of the Olympics and a week of the Democratic National Convention...

...I need a mf nap!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

What the Fukk?!

Sup MFs!!

I was at home this weekend...minding my business, surfing YouTube, and came across the funniest, hood-est, saddest, illogical, questionable....you just have to see it for yourself.

Now I'm all for creativity and freedom of speech, but here's prime example of why they aren't for everyone.

(shaking my head)

(still shaking my head)

After watching this....this....BULLSHYT three times back to back, I've come up with 10 observations.

1) How come NOBODY talked her out of this?
2) What purpose does the little boy serve?
3) Why is the girl in the jean jacket so damn happy?
4) Other than "its so cooooold in the D,"...wtf is she mumblin'?
5) I DARE you to keep a straight face from 2:05 - 2:46.
6) At 2:21, did she say "worms?"
7) Did ya'll notice the dead bodies she snuck in on you?
8) Who decided to bury that baby in a snowsuit?
9) R.I.P to her peeps, but this was NOT the venue for her.
10) We are definitely living in our LAST mf days.

I'm sure this video wasn't meant to be funny, but I can NOT stop laughing at this....thing. She pretty much just sang the chorus whenever the fukk she felt like it. Fukk timing, fukk a cadence, fukk an on key note. From the amount of hits she got on YouTube, I'm sure a remix is on the way.

This is a bad look, Detroit. Real bad.

Kwame Kilpatrick, I blame you!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Officer Fat Ass


I seem to be a magnet for petty ass cops.

Not really sure why?

Could be the whole black thing.
Could be the hair.
Could be a combo of both.
Maybe it’s the way I mean mugg the SHYT outta them when they pass me. Who knows.

...I got harassed by a cop the other night while driving home. It was 11pm, and I was about two minutes from the house when I noticed this car following me. I turned around and saw a cop in a car with his lights off, creeping up behind me.

Really? That’s your mf strategy?

Po-po must think that turning their headlights off makes their vehicle invisible, because this mf thought he was the SHYT as he drove around like he was The Dark Knight. Too bad there's ENGINE NOISE that can be heard a block away, otherwise his big, bulky Dodge Intrepid would have gone by completely undetected. Or at least that's what his dumb ass would have you to believe.

This mf follows me half way down the road and onto my street. Then he drives past me, cuts me off and turns his headlights, dome lights, and that bright ass window light that shines into your face that makes you look like a member of the Chinese gymnastic squad. So now I have to act surprised…since I wasn’t supposed to notice this fat mf following me for the past several blocks.

So, big boy gets out, comes over, and says, “You know you barely stopped at that stop sign right there.” I said, “I stopped at that sign like I ALWAYS do when I turn onto MY street.” Why WOULDN’T I stop when I know I’m being followed by a petty azz cop with nothing better to do? He then tells me that it didn’t seem like I stopped “long enough” and that he has to write me a citation.

So help me understand something. First, he says I “barely stopped.” Then he says, I didn’t stop “long enough.” WTF ?! If I “barely” stab you, I STILL stabbed you. So if I barely stopped, I STILL stopped, bytch. Now, there’s a time limit on the time spent at a mf stop sign now? Nevermind the crime that surrounds my neighborhood (which seems to escalate at 11pm…conveniently as he’s pulling me over). This mf is timing me at stop signs.

Anything else, Officer Fat Ass?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Jealous Jesse

Unless you've been in that cave with bin Laden this week, then I'm sure you've seen what Rev. Jesse Jackson has been up to. The man, who was once considered one of the most important Black leaders in this country, has decided to allow himself to become a victim of what tears families, businesses, and even countries apart...


Could it be because every time he ran for president, he got the smackdown layed on that azz? Could it be because he finally realizes he resembles a bulldog and Obama doesn't? Whatever reason it is, I have now lost respect for this man and whatever comes out of his mouth. His comments may matter to McCain supporters, because they will use whatever they can to subliminally put race into the issues, but blacks, with a 90 percent support rate, are not as divided as the media would like us to think.

I'm sick and mf tired of so many of the "old guard" who are eaten up with jealousy. Close your mf mouth, Jesse...unless you're helping him get elected. You're just gonna let jealousy, even in the slightest, steal from this moment? If alive, your boy MLK would cuss your punk azz out.

Actually, now that I think about it...what do you DO, jesse? What's your 9-5? What's an average Monday - Friday like for you? You can't be rainbow PUSHin' it like THAT.

(For those who didn't see what he said...see below.)

To be fair, Jesse did offer a swift apology.

*Cough* (bullshyt)

Apologies are for things we didn't MEAN to do. If I step on your shoe....I'll apologize, because I didn't MEAN to. But he said what he said thinking that NO ONE would be able to hear him. That, to me, says that he MEANT that shyt. So an apology, no matter how quickly delivered, is seen as phony.

Your own son recognizes this, Jesse.

I'm not saying he has to be in total agreement with Sen. Obama, but there are ways to disagree...and saying that he needs to have his "nuts removed" is not one of them.

I think we've all trashed-talked a friend behind their back before. The difference is...you don't do that shyt on Fox News near a microphone. But the green-eyed monster seems to have clouded the good reverend's judgment. You once had a legacy, Mr. Jackson. You can only HOPE that a small part of it remains.

Grow old gracefully, Jesse. You've had your day and the sunset has arrived.

In other words...