The MF Swine Flu

First SARS, then the bird flu...now, we've got the mf swine flu to avoid. Right as summer approaches, too. Ain't that some shyt?

What this really boils down to is...do you wash your hands or not? The nasty azz non-handwashers are generally the first ones touchin' shyt, tapping you on the shoulder, or shaking hands. FYI: I've banned all handshakes, anyway. You either get a chest bump or a quick head nod. If that's not enough,...fukubytch.

I struggle to understand how people choose NOT to wash their hands. Just ugh! This nasty shyt runs rampant at my workplace. I can't tell you how many meetings I've been a part of where these triflin' mfs reach out and grab a slice of pizza, touching more than one slice just to get the one they want.

This place is full of "UGH Moments." Please read and adhere to the following rules.

• If your throat hurts, you have chills, or you have a fever, stay the fukk home. Don't ask, "Does my head feel hot?" If it feels hot to you, then it's hot. Stay the fukk home.
  
  
• Don't come to work sick and then start complaining that you're sick. That what sick leave is for. Use it. Go in the hole if you have to. Just don't infect us who aren't sick.
  


• Don’t ask for my food, even after I’ve already started eating it, and try to offer up your own half eaten food in exchange, that’s how germs are exchanged. And yes, folks do that here. Just ugh.
  


• Don't touch anything in the bathroom (the sink, toilet, knobs, handles, etc.) and then come out and touch me, food, my chair, my keyboard, etc. That's an azz whippin'.

Why does it take an outbreak of the swine flu to get mfs into being clean?? There's soap, water, hand sanitizer, and all kinds of shyt. Just know that I mean it with all honesty and sincerity when I say...

...WASH YOUR MF HANDS, BYTCH!!

2008: In MF Review

Finally back after the long azz holiday break. Now, back to my regularly scheduled programming...

2008 was a rough azz year. Some years are so rough, that you just need to bury them. The worse the year, the deeper the hole. 2008 needs to be buried so far down that you reach China. As a matter of fact, 2008 should be GIVEN to China in return for all those fukked up products they give us.

With so many targets, it was hard for me to decide on which four to focus. But I managed to do it. So, here's my personal list of the shyt in 2008 I could have done without.

McCain/Palin - No surprise here. These two global fukk ups topped everyone's 2008 shyt list. Family drama, straight up lies, undercover racism,...you name it, they did it. But what I despise most about the entire McCain/Palin campaign....that damn word.

MAVERICK

Ugh!! It's the type of word that makes you wanna cut yourself. Every time someone said it, you just wanted to slap a child. MAVERICK. It's the reason I drink now. The word should be outlawed across the country. Obama should see to this. Even the NBA should have to rename the Dallas Mavericks.


Dallas Cowboys - Speaking of Dallas, no one sports franchise stayed in the news more...for all the WRONG reasons. If it wasn't T.O. and his diva-like attitude, it was Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson. Then it was Pacman Jones and his never-ending bouts with law enforcement. Who outside of Dallas gives a fukk? With an owner that spent more time ON the field than Roy Williams, they seem to grab more headlines than the teams that actually won. And who the fukk deemed them "America's Team," anyway?


T-Pain - Yeah, T-Pain made the list. Not because he's not talented. He's extremely talented. But because, I couldn't go ANYWHERE or do ANYTHING without hearing this mfs voice on a song. This mf went into media overload. Radio, tv, videos, downloads, make it stop!! What puts him on the list is the previously mentioned things and the simple fact that um....what he's doing is being packaged and marketed as ORIGINAL. Get the FUKK outta here.

You mean to tell me NOBODY gon' tell this mf that just over a decade ago, Teddy Riley did that vocoder/auto-tune shyt he does now. And Roger Troutman before Teddy. My mother still brings up shyt I did as a child. Really, America?! Your memory's THAT mf short?

Reality TV - Where do I start with this shyt? Wifeswap, Momma's Boy, and The Bachelor. This is what tv has become? Hell's Kitchen, Dancing with the Stars, and the Keyshia Cole Show? And folks are HOOKED on this bullshyt. Whose reality is this?

Mfs yellin' at you while you cook, one dude in a house full of random willing chicks, and finally, Frankie and Nefeteria (really?! just like cafeteria) shakin' their azzes and arguing every mf chance they get. Wake up mfs. This ain't reality of any kind. The winners are picked before-hand, and the day-to-day happenings are staged and edited. I'd rather watch a show with real actors. At least THAT's real.

I Hate Christmas Decorations

I Hate Christmas decorations...

..the bows, and holly, and bullshyt azz mistletoe.

Wreaths, garland, and that fake azz snow.

What truly grinds my gears though, are those ignorant azz lawn decorations that folks have. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to decorate at ALL.

If you MUST decorate your lawn please follow the following rules for next year:

1. Measure your yard.
This is of the utmost importance. If your yard is 8'x11' or smaller, then holiday lawn decorations are not FOR you. Let somebody else do it. Nothing pisses me off like a little azz front yard with a boat load of bullshyt in it. UGH!!

2. Choose ONE holiday.
This rule is especially for the folks in my neighborhood. You cannot...I repeat CANNOT have Christmas decorations set up next to a giant "Happy Kwanzaa" sign. I mean, REALLY?! Just say to yourself, "If I don't celebrate the holiday, then I can't decorate for it." It'll keep you on track.

3. Keep it fukkin' simple.
You can't have decorations up front blinking....other shyt on the side moving....and the shyt in the corners set to a mf timer. All that busy bullshyt is gon' fukk around and get your yard vandalized. Unplug that shyt.

4. Choose a mf theme and stick with it.
This is the most frequently abused rule. Take a ride through a residential neighborhood. I guarantee you someone is in direct violation of this rule right now. In the center of their yard is a giant azz inflatable Santa swaying in the wind. Blue lights are draped all over the mf house. But come a lil' bit closer and what do you see?

Yep...that's baby Jesus, Mary, and Joseph...sittin' right next to Dancer, Prancer, and a fukkin' neon snowman. Da FUKK?!! Is that a make-shift manger too?!!

Come on, folks. If you're gonna decorate, at least make sure your shyt matches.

I Hate Christmas Trees

I hate Christmas trees.

Let's get in the car...

...drive somewhere...

...find a dead tree...

...PAY FOR IT...

...bring it home...

...prop it up...

...and hang lights and shyt on it.

Who the fukk thought of this?

Then, after the holidays...it happens everywhere. Dead, discarded trees are all piled up in driveways, on sidewalks, and by dumpsters. If that's not the Christmas spirit, I don't know what is.

I Hate Christmas Carols

Question...

...How many times in your life have you actually sung Silent Night? Or Joy to the World? What about Hark the Herald Angels Sing? Do they irritate you just as much as they irritate me?

Think about some of the lines used in Christmas Carols:

- Folks dressed up like eskimos
(That's just a shorty in a North Face.)

- Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
(Who actually DOES this?)

- Santa Claus is comin' to town
(So the fukk what!!)

- Little Drummer Boy....rum-pa-pum-pum
(I didn't get you a gift, so I'll beat on this mf drum til you appreciate it.)

- Frosty the snowman...
(Gives a fukk about his fat azz.)

- They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games
(Sounds to me like Rudolph is a bytch azz mf)

I hate ALL Christmas carols, but there's one in particular that bothers the complete fukk outta me:
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Think about it. It's a song about twelve days of RANDOM BULLSHYT. Maids, pear trees, ladies, and drums. Then there's pipes, rings, lords, milk....all kinds of shyt. But there's more. What I can't seem to wrap my mind around is the amount of BIRDS being given to this mf.

Turtle doves, a partridge, and some fukkin' hens.

What's with the birds??

Add to that...SEVEN swans-a-mf-swimming.

The bird flu is just-a-waiting to erupt.

Finally, there are SIX-geese-a-fukkin-layin'.

More mf birds. Who the fukk WANTS this? I'm sure at one point in time, giving someone a bird was the equivalent to buying someone a mf Wii nowadays, but between my neighbors calling the police and animal control...and me laying down newspaper everyMFwhere, I can't see how this is Christmasy.

I know one thing...on that thirteenth day of Christmas, we gon' be eatin' gooder than a MF!

I Hate Christmas Cards

Nothing on Earth says "I don't really give a fuck about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of thirty of the same kind. Or those Christmas e-cards that folks send. They should just say the truth, "Hey, I'm not tryin to be bothered with writing each of you something personal....so here's some computer-printed BULLSHYT for you to enjoy."

Oh, You know what else grinds my damn gears? Those "family" Christmas cards where it's you, your wife, your bad azz kids, AND the mf dog sittin' by a chimney.

Why?!